American Leviticus
Preface
Reading Leviticus is a disturbing journey through an uncanny valley. On the one hand, we find landmarks that feel extraordinarily familiar and welcome (You shall love your neighbor as yourself) and laws that feel relatively unobjectionable (You can't sleep with your mom or sacrifice your kids). On the other hand, there is so much that is deeply uncomfortable: why is it such a blood-drenched book? What about the laws that feel outdated? Why does it talk so openly about things that should not be talked about in polite company?
The thing that makes Leviticus so uncomfortable to read is that it says out loud the aspects of a culture that are typically left unsaid, or even thought about. We don't want to think about uncleanness and disease and the brutality of killing animals, so we comfort ourselves by thinking that this must be a very primitive book. The reality, though, is that modern society has just as many rules, regulations, customs, and taboos. We do not usually express them in as candid a way as Leviticus does, but what if we did? Would it be similarly disconcerting in its familiarity and unfamiliarity?
The following is an imaginative rendering of what such an American Leviticus might look like. It is descriptive in nature, sociologically describing how America does work rather than necessarily how it should work. It is a look at the curious customs, habits, and laws we hold to that may feel so intuitive that we don't even think to examine them. I've followed the literary form of Leviticus with the double intent of disturbing you about your own world while also hopefully making Leviticus itself more approachable.
Content warning. Blood, violence, sexuality, alcohol, assault, disease.
Contents
Rectifying wrongs
- Laws for Lapses in Judgment
- Laws for Mass Layoffs
- Laws for Peace Offerings
- Laws for Sin Offerings
- Laws About Slavery
- Laws About Mass Shootings
- Laws for Leaders of Institutions Accused of Systemic Abuse Reports
Political upheaval
Laws of hygiene
- Clean and Unclean Animals
- Purification After Childbirth
- Laws About Disease
- Laws for Cleansing Houses
- Laws About Bodily Discharges
The Big Game
The Good Life
- Unlawful Sexual Relations
- Live Your Best Life
- Various Statutes
- Punishment for Parental Negligence
- Punishment for Sexual Immorality
- You Shall be a Good Person
- Propriety and Celebrities
- Acceptable Offerings
- Feasts
- Fasts
- The Power Grid
- Bread
- Punishment for Assault
- An Eye for an Eye
- The Sabbath Year
- The Year of Jubilee
- Redemption of Property
- Kindness for the Poor
- The Rich Sojourner
- The Blessings of American Exceptionalism
- Consequences
- Laws About the Value of Persons
Laws for Lapses in Judgment
When any one of you does something regrettable, he shall bring to Instagram a story of no more than 60 seconds offering mea culpa. If he is on a poor connection, a screenshot of a written apology in the Notes app may be brought. If his lapse in judgment is highly public in nature, he shall say that he will "do better" and that he stands with the relevant community. Then he must be separated from the people for seven days. After seven days, his PR manager must examine nightly news and if anchors are still discussing his lapse in judgment, his separation shall continue for another seven days. When the PR manager has declared him to be in the clear, he may be permitted to go back to crushing it. If his lapse in judgment is relatively private in nature, he must say to those in attendance, "Oh come on, I was just messing, you know me, I'm not like that," and then he may go on as before.
Laws for Mass Layoffs
When a CEO among you must let go of a certain percentage of the company, the CEO must send out an open letter to all employees explaining the cut and why macroeconomic pressures do not permit the CEO to pay those employees anymore, even though said macroeconomic pressures still permit the CEO to earn 10-50x the salary of the laid-off employees. In the open letter, the CEO must "take full responsibility" for the layoffs by letting go of others. If writing that out in an email is burdensome for the CEO, it is permissible to lay off employees over a Zoom call. The tone must be somber, but the CEO must also express hope about the company's prospects. But not too much hope, lest it become unclear why a layoff is necessary. The CEO must not quote Martin Luther King, Jr. in a layoff message; this is not the time nor the place.
Laws for Peace Offerings
When one among you has a beef with another, he shall get on Reddit and pose it as a question ending with, "AITA?" Then he must allow sufficient time for random strangers on the internet to give him counsel. If said strangers ask follow-up questions, he may offer clarifications. After the time of deliberation is over, dubious internet news outlets who don't have more important news to cover must pen articles in the form, "Reddit users {roast/praise} individual for {original question rephrased as a statement}." If the majority of random people on Reddit decide that he is in the wrong, he must make amends by texting the person he has a beef with. If, however, he believes the internet is wrong and just does not get him, he may wish instead to pen a thinkpiece about the madness of crowds.
Laws for Sin Offerings
If one among you is found throwing recyclable material in a trash can, he must atone for this by paying a fine of $25 to his local municipality. If one among you goes grocery shopping without bringing along reusable shopping bags, he must atone for this indiscretion by paying a fee of $0.10 per plastic bag at the checkout. If one among you sins by letting his dog bark for more than 5 minutes after dark, his neighbors shall call the police and the dog shall be removed from his care. If the whole society sins unintentionally against the environment by allowing the use of plastic straws and realizes their guilt, they shall pass a law in the month of November permitting only the use of paper straws. When a leader sins, doing unintentionally any one of all the things that by the law ought not to be done, and the media realizes his guilt, he shall lawyer up and get someone else to pay the penalty for his sin. If the leader sins with a high hand, knowing full well what he is doing, and his guilt is found out, he may tell the people that he was set up and that the media is hell-bent on ruining a good man. If the people buy the story, he may continue on as before. If they do not buy the story, he must lawyer up so as to avoid responsibility.
If a leader finds himself at odds with his former convictions, having changed his mind on a matter of some importance, he must bring as a burnt offering his former convictions, saying that the issue is multi-faceted and complex, and that his thinking has evolved. But if he cannot afford to burn his former convictions or the social capital they provide him, he may instead hold his new opinions in secret while publicly continuing to praise the virtues of beliefs he no longer holds.
Laws About Slavery
If the people suddenly find themselves to have benefited from hundreds of years of unpaid labor, they must write facebook posts explaining how they did not themselves own plantations, nor did their direct ancestors and furthermore, surely a people as a whole cannot be held accountable for what a few bad apples did in the past. If an educational institution faces intense scrutiny over how it has immensely profited off of unpaid slave labor in the past and how its buildings are named after wicked slave owners, the institution's president must create a "task force" to investigate the issue over the course of five years or until the public no longer cares, whichever comes sooner. Additionally, the president must create a "generous" new scholarship fund not to exceed 1% of the institution's operating budget for the sole purpose of enabling the descendants of former slaves to be educated at said institution.
If the people find it convenient and fashionable to purchase a new wardrobe every season, and they come to discover that this is only possible through the forced labor of children and minorities in China, the people must get on social media and demand that someone do something about it. They must atone for their fast fashion by vowing to purchase ethical clothing from then on. If they then find that ethical clothing is far more expensive, they may return to purchasing items from the previous outlet as long as they make known that they're not happy about it.
Laws About Mass Shootings
If one among you takes a weapon and senselessly kills people, the leaders of the people must send thoughts and prayers on social media. They must also patiently explain how guns do not kill people, people kill people, but also it's probably violent video games that are the problem, and really isn't it just a symptom of our institutional breakdown. The blood of the atrocity shall be upon the shooter's own head, but also upon the heads of a hated demographic subset that he conveniently happens to represent, be it is Muslims, Evangelicals, Incels, Mormons, etc. "The conversation" must continue for a period of 7 days. The people must make written demand of their representatives that something ought to be done. Representatives must make bitter comments on social media about how they would solve the problem easily if it weren't for the other guys. After proper grievance has been made, the people may return to life as per usual until the next one.
Laws for Leaders of Institutions Accused of Systemic Abuse Reports
If a news article breaks that accuses an institution of a systemic abuse problem, the leader of the institution must wait to see how much traction the report gets. If only a small minority speaks up about the article, he may ignore it or offer small guilt offerings such as, "Our hearts go out to all affected by this situation." If it gets widespread coverage, he must institute a task force as an act of penance. Then he must try to sweep the problem under the rug in order to minimize financial impact to the institution. If, however, the vocal minority stubbornly persists in pressuring him to do something about it, he must try to discredit the minority by describing them as "a rabid Twitter mob that has nothing better to do with their time." If the minority succeeds in shifting public opinion, the institution must finally acknowledge that systemic abuse is indeed bad and offer up as a sacrifice the leader's forced resignation with a generous severance package.
Consecration of a New Elected Official
Then the electoral college concluded, and it was determined that the current president had lost the vote and the challenger had won. The Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies said unto the challenger, "This is the thing that the people have commanded, that on the twentieth of January you are to proceed in stately fashion to the West Front of the United States Capitol with the sound of trumpets and jubilation."
Then, on the twentieth of January, after his time of election had been concluded, the challenger proceeded in stately fashion to the West Front of the United States Capitol with the sound of trumpets and jubilation. His advisors and attendants dressed him in fine regalia, and after the sound of singing and applause had died down he raised his right hand in the air as if to high-five the Chief Justice, but without high-fiving him. Thereupon he swore a presidential oath of office, after which his running mate also swore a similar vice presidential oath of office.
And the chef said unto his cook staff, "Boil the flesh at the kitchen of the White House, and with the bread that is in the basket, bring it to the new President's inaugural meal." So the cook staff boiled the flesh at the kitchen of the White House, and along with the bread that was in the basket, they brought a meal for the President's inaugural celebration. And the sounds of jubilation continued for many hours.
The Political Death of Jenna and Barbara
Now Jenna and Barbara each took a glass and put Fireball in It, and took and drank before the set time. And the bartender was incensed at this flagrant violation of the law and demanded that the police come and put them to swift justice. And the public was outraged at the hypocrisy, but it was insisted that mistakes were made and that kids will be kids and that one must not believe everything one hears in the media and besides this was a family matter.
Clean and Unclean Animals
Speak unto the people, saying, "These are the living things that you may eat among all the animals that are on the earth. Whatever says, 'Moo' or 'Cluck' among the animals, you may eat. If it lives in the water, you may eat. Nevertheless, among the animals you shall not eat these: anything that says, 'Woof' or 'Meow' or 'Neigh' or 'Hello' or anything that is endangered or protected or cute. And the dirty street pigeon, though it makes a sound that could maybe sort of be loosely interpreted as a 'Cluck,' you shall not eat it because it is akin to a flying rat."
The person who kills a Black Rhinoceros, an Asian Elephant, or a majestic Snow Leopard, this person is detestable. He should be considered an abomination and cut off from his people. And if he hunts and kills a licit animal yet without a hunting license and a tag, this thing is detestable; it must not be done.
And if any of the animals which you may eat dies, whoever touches its carcass shall be unclean and gross, and whoever carries the carcass shall wash his clothes and be unclean until he gets all the blood and guts off.
Every animal that creeps through a National Park is off limits; it shall not be eaten. The teeming multitudes of Bison in Yellowstone may not be eaten. Nevertheless when the Bison cross the park's boundary, they may be killed and eaten for the sake of managing the Bison population and to prevent the spread of brucellosis. If a deer is hit on the highway, you may take the carcass home and process it for meat. But after one hour the deer is detestable; it must not be taken home and processed for meat. If the deer is hit in the hindquarters, it is also detestable; it must not be processed for meat. If you fail to notify Parks and Wildlife within 48 hours to get a permit, you are a detestable lawbreaker; this thing must not be done. If you collect roadkill north of the Colorado-New Mexico border, this is permissible, but if the deer gets flung to the south side of the border you must not collect it; it shall not be eaten—it is forbidden by the State of New Mexico.
And you must divide the animal from the meat; those among you who bring to mind that meat is made out of animals and thus that meat is murder, those ones are accursed. The one who raises the issue of the slaughterhouse or chickens in cages at a dinner party is impolite; he has done an abominable thing. There shall be among you a clean separation between "beef" and the gentle cow grazing on a green hill, between "chicken" and "a chicken" so as to avoid creating cognitive disturbance among the people.
And if you are to sell animals in a market, you must keep bats and pigs separated such that the droppings of the bats cannot fall on the food of the pigs. And the bird or swine that has a flu, you are not to eat of it or its progeny. And if a dog is foaming at the mouth and tries to bite you, you are to put it down; it is unwell.
Purification After Childbirth
Speak to the people, saying,"If a woman conceives and bears a child, she is unclean until she gets cleaned up." She shall continue in the period of her healing for forty-two days. During this time she shall not be touched sexually; this is her time of healing. For a period of eighty-four days from the birth of the child, she shall not enter her workplace; this is her period of bonding with the infant.
If she bears a male child, she shall choose before leaving the hospital whether she wishes to have the child's foreskin removed. She will say unto the doctor, "Do people still do this? Are there health benefits?" And the doctor will respond to her, saying, "Yes and no. People do it mostly for cultural reasons. It is up to you." After eighty-four days, the insurance company will send her a bill requiring an arm and a leg. She shall protest the bill and the insurance company will deny it. She shall appeal the bill and nag the insurance company until they relent and lower the bill. If she cannot afford the sacrifice, she can set up a GoFundMe and the people shall spot her some cash.
Laws About Disease
When a person has on the skin of his body a swelling or an eruption or a spot, and it turns into what WebMD says might be either eczema or ebola, he shall be brought to his primary care physician and the physician shall examine the diseased area on the skin of his body. If the physician determines that it is eczema, he shall be given a topical steroidal ointment which he shall apply daily for a period of two weeks. If after this period the swelling or eruption or spot has gone away, he shall be declared clean and he can cease applying the ointment. If the physician determines that it is ebola, he shall be cut off from his people that it might not spread. The physician shall tell him that he should not consult WebMD first, but should come directly to the office next time.
After an indeterminately long period, the physician will bill the insurance company. The insurance company must try to pay as little as possible, and then send a bill to him. He will have forgotten the context of the bill at this point because it has been such an extremely long period, so he must scroll back through his calendar trying to remember what happened on that day. When he remembers, he must pay the insurance company. If he cannot afford the insurance company, he may call up the insurance company and negotiate the bill down, or else ask if the insurance company will accept an interest-free repayment plan.
If a disease should break out and spread across the face of the earth, such that there is nowhere one could go to escape it, this shall be called a pandemic. The people shall spread apart in social situations, such that there is 6 feet between each individual. Furthermore, they shall wear masks to cover their mouths and noses, for in so doing they might prevent the spread of the disease. The one who enters a 6 foot radius of another or who fails to wear a mask on a plane, let this one be accursed for he has crossed a line. If they are at a restaurant, however, they may take their masks off once sitting down because the virus is not a monster; it will not attack someone who is sitting down.
Laws for Cleansing Houses
If one among you should move into a new house, and the style of the previous owners could be described as “cringe,” “big yikes,” or “so last year,” this house must be cleansed. If one moves into a house that smells like cigarette smoke or old people, or has yellowing wallpaper, this house must be cleansed. He must go unto TikTok and search for house cleansing videos, and then place crystals and incense around the home as instructed as the TikTok hath dictated because, of course, it is true.
If the house is built in a way that is not eco-friendly, the owner must rip out all existing appliances, drywall, carpet, light fixtures, tile, windows, etc. and throw them all in a landfill so that they can be replaced with something better for the earth or something from IKEA, depending on the vibes.
If a land developer sees a herd of horses grazing peacefully on a beautiful plot of land, and if the land is in a desirable location he must acquire the land and send the horses to the nearest jello factory. Then he must build as many cheaply built three-story townhomes on the plot of land as he can cleverly fit. In this way, the land is cleansed of its greenery.
If a driver has a car that gets dirty, whether by a rainstorm, muddy roads, or any other reason, he must wash his car; it is unclean. If he does not wash his car and a spot or boil of rust breaks out, it will spread. He must have the nearest auto mechanic address it or else the car will verboten, unfit for use.
Laws About Bodily Discharges
If a teenager among you has a discharge of pus out of a zit, he shall be unclean until he gets a tissue and cleans it up. If the discharge is ongoing, it is not a zit and he must go to the doctor to get it seen. Anything he touches with the discharge is unclean, and must be sanitized.
When a man has an emission of semen, he needs to clean it up and take a shower. If a woman has a discharge of blood, she must wear feminine hygiene products like pads, tampons, etc. to avoid uncleanness. If a man hears about such a discharge, he must laugh uncomfortably as if he knows not how to comport himself. After seven days or so, if the woman’s menstrual discharge has stopped, she no longer has any reason to wear feminine hygiene products; the time of her menstruation is past.
If anyone has blood coming out of his nose, he may not continue along as if everything is normal; he has a bloody nose. He must get a tissue and address the uncleanness of his face. He is unclean for all the time dried blood remains caked upon his face. If one has abnormal discharge and his limbs are falling off, he has ebola; he is to be separated out from the people.
The Day Above All Days
You must set apart a Day at the beginning of February every year. All the people shall set aside their prior obligations and observe this Day—it shall be for you a Super Special Day. Tell Aaron Rodgers that he is to bring the skin of a bull without blemish, and he must fashion of it a ball, but not a very round one as they do in surrounding nations. This ball is to be called the football, but it is for the hands. And the people will cast lots about this ball. And Aaron shall present the ball to be used in the Bowl. This Bowl is unlike all other Bowls—it happens once a year; it shall be for you a Super Bowl.
Aaron shall place his hand upon the top of the ball, and then he will send it away between his legs and another man will run off with it. Other men must run after him, but he must run away from them as if he is unclean. And the peoples shall observe. If they are able, they must come up to the stadium. If they do not have the means, they must observe it on their televisions. If they are not able to do this, they must observe the rite on their small handheld electronic devices.
And this is how they are to observe. They are to take their okayest Velveeta with the mediumest of pickled jalapeños, and they are to make for themselves a rich food. They are to take the flesh of the cow and make for themselves a patty and cook it until the blood comes out. And then with the okayest of bleached all-purpose flour, they are to make a "bun" with which to eat the patty. This patty shall contain no ham; it is for you a hamburger. In similar fashion, they are to take a package of Totinos, a food set apart for this day, and place them upon the baking sheet. They shall bring the heat of the oven to the roof of your mouth.
And the iniquities and serious divisions of the people, they shall be carried off for the duration of the men playing with a ball. And it shall be a statute to you forever that on the second Sunday of the second month, you shall do no work, for on this day your city's team out goes before you to bear the ball on your behalf. It is a Sunday of rest to you. It is a statue forever. And the quarterback who succeeds in carrying off the ball, he shall hold up the trophy while wearing his special sweaty garment.
Unlawful Sexual Relations
Speak to the people and say to them, "You shall not do as they do in other nations. You shall not follow their ways. You shall be different than them; you are a set apart people."
None of you shall tolerate an arranged marriage, as they do in India; this is an abomination, for it violates the autonomy of the individual. That is not how you are to do things.
You are not to force women to completely cover themselves against their will, as the Taliban does. Women have rights.
You shall not lie with a close relative as they do in Appalachia. You shall not lie with your mom; she is your mom. Not even if she's your step mom. Not your half sister, not your step sister, not your granddaughter, not your aunt, not your daughter-in-law, your sister-in-law, not a mom and her daughter... you shall see the pattern here. This is depravity, because the messed-up power dynamics there erases the possibility of consent.
And don't take a woman and her sister as rival wives, as they do in some places in Utah, not even for the purposes of a reality TV show. This will not work out well for anyone involved.
You shall not force a woman to carry a baby to term unless she wants to. You shall not lie with an unconsenting individual as you would with a consenting individual; it is an abomination. You shall not lie with an animal as with a human; it cannot consent—this is problematic. Do not make yourselves unclean by any of these things, for they are highly problematic.
You shall not judge.
Live Your Best Life
Say to all the people, "You shall do you," because nobody else can tell you how to live your best life. If someone hinders you from pursuing your self-actualization, remind them that they have no right to tell you how to live—there is for you a Bill of Rights. If you want to speak your mind, nobody shall stop you, for this is the first amendment.
When you get your paycheck, you shall spend every last cent of it. If it is not enough for you to live your best life, you shall charge the next transaction to a credit card. If someone asks you if you have any spare change, you shall tell them to get a job and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. You shall not steal or lie in your business dealings, unless you can make money off of it in which case you shall remember the bottom line; business is business.
You shall not withhold the paycheck of your hired worker, but you should also pay them less than a living wage so as to maximize profit; business is business. In your business dealings, you shall prioritize diversity, equity, and inclusion if it creates a good brand image and if the prevailing political winds are in your favor, but if it doesn't then take a courageous stand against diversity, equity, and inclusion by posting a statement onto the internet; this is a statue forever or until you need a different brand strategy, whichever comes sooner.
Various Statutes
You are to recycle your aluminum and paper and also plastic, even though plastic is not recyclable.
You shall not wear an outfit consisting of both stripes and plaid, or an outfit of both black and navy blue. This is gauche.
You shall not let a profit go un-maximized—if you plant a field, you are to turn a profit as soon as possible.
You shall mow your lawn and leave your trash out on the curb on Tuesdays. You shall secretly report your neighbor to the HOA when they decorate their back yard in a way you dislike. You shall otherwise avoid talking to your neighbors or knowing them. You shall not love your neighbor as your own.
You shall not eat any meat that has been in the fridge for more than a week.
You shall not cut your hair in a mullet as they do in Europe—you will regret it.
You shall not get a tattoo of your girlfriend's name on a whim.
Do not judge your children for the choices they make.
Do not share your Myers-Briggs anymore, or honestly probably even your Enneagram number at this point. Astrological signs are in right now. You shall keep up with the times.
You shall put your elderly grandparents and parents in nursing homes so that they are minimally burdensome to you.
When a foreign national lives in your city, you shall deport him. Remember, though your ancestors were immigrants, though they were once struggling and below the poverty line, their situation was totally different. You shall not love the stranger in your gates as yourself.
You shall vote for candidates who will optimize your earnings, even if it makes life harder for others. You shall observe all these things.
Punishment for Parental Negligence
If any one of the people leaves his child or dog in the car for three minutes on a fine spring day while he runs into the store, he is a negligent parent worthy of public shaming on social media. If a mother does not throw her children Pinterest-worthy birthday parties or even after-school playdates, she obviously doesn't care very much about her children. If a single mother has to hustle hard working multiple jobs and the children are often left to fend for themselves, this parent must be derided and looked down upon as a welfare queen. If a parent does not allow a child to pursue the full range of their self-actualization, this parent is anathema; he must be cut off from the people.
Punishment for Sexual Immorality
If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, and his wife and/or his neighbor isn't into it, then that's problematic. If he sleeps with someone that he is related to, that is incest and most likely involves problematic power dynamics. If a man in power coerces sex out of those less powerful than him, this is sexual abuse; it shall not be done. If a man makes crass or lewd comments about a coworker, or touches a coworker inappropriately, this is harassment or even sexual abuse; it shall not be done. If a man has children with multiple women, he must defend himself by saying that it is because breeding is necessary for the human population and it's definitely not because he lacks self-control. If a man uses sex in such profane, abominable ways, he shall be fired from his position and shall lose honor in the sight of the culture.
You Shall be a Good Person
You shall therefore keep all these statutes and do them, that you are not cast out of society. You shall not walk in the customs of the nations that you drove out before you, because they do not maximize profitability. You who inherit this land, you are the richest country in the world. You shall therefore maintain cleanness, and separate yourselves out from the unwashed nations of the world. A man or woman who is convicted of murder shall surely be put to death, whether they did it or not. They shall be injected with chemicals and killed.
Propriety and Celebrities
And say unto the celebrities, "No one shall make himself associate with the unwashed masses, except for his closest relatives." They shall not vacation in Virginia Beach when the south of France will do. They shall not fly on an airline when a private jet will do. They shall be better than others, because they have more fame and finances. The influencer who has more than a million followers must not make herself unclean by wearing clothes from Walmart. She shall not have children, except by surrogacy, for this would ruin her figure.
And say, "None of your offspring throughout their generations who has a blemish may stand before a camera until it has been treated by a plastic surgeon. For no one who has a blemish shall be filmed, a woman who has a slightly asymmetric face or a scar or a limb too long or has a wrinkle or a gray hair or ugly glasses or flawed skin or sagging breasts." The camera is set apart; only the most perfect of people may appear before it.
And say, "They are to abstain from the things of the people, so that they maintain a mystique. None of the nepo babies seen doing commoner things may appear before the camera until they are cleansed, whatever the uncleanness may be—this one shall be unclean until they take a hot shower to rinse away the grime."
A normal person shall not enter the gated communities of the celebrities, but if a celebrity pays a waitstaff they may eat of the discarded leftovers in the back when nobody is watching.
Acceptable Offerings
And if you have a beef with one of your friends and they bring a peace offering of their own free will, it is to be accepted by you; this is an olive branch to repair the breach.
And if the IRS requires an offering of a specific amount from you, you are to guess exactly how much it is and give it on time. Anyone who gives an offering of an incorrect amount is to be fined the difference and/or sent straight to jail.
And if you are at a restaurant, after having paid the bill you are to offer a tip in an amount of an increasingly large percentage of the bill, even if it was self-serve. You are to enter the tip on an iPad while the staff observes you. The "No tip" option is to be displayed, but you are not to press it; this would be wholly untoward.
So you shall keep these commandments and do them, because you are Americans, and this is how it is.
Feasts
Say to them, "These are the appointed feasts of the year."
The Weekend. Five days you shall work, but the weekend is your own time where you can pursue leisure, side hustles, etc. On them you shall eat brunch.
The Super Bowl. In the second month you are to take the wings of a chicken and remove the feathers. You are to cook them in buffalo sauce and dip them in ranch dressing. On this day you are to observe football players play football in your stead.
Saint Patrick's Day. In the third month you must wear green-colored clothing and drink too much Guinness.
Easter. Some time in the third or fourth month you are to fashion a simulacrum of an egg out of cheap plastic and fill it with candy. You are to place these eggs in a basket and leave them out in the morning, lying to your sweet, gullible children that a magical bunny brought these eggs for them.
Cinco de Mayo. In the fifth month on the fifth day you must eat tacos and queso and stuff, because of Mexican Independence or something, nobody knows. The main point is tacos.
The Fourth of July. In the seventh month you must eat hot dogs while lighting off firecrackers, because in this way the British will be reminded that you defeated them.
Labor Day. In the ninth month you must abstain from your work and grill burgers in your back yard. You are to shop labor day sales at local outlets to celebrate that you don't have to work on the day celebrating your work.
Halloween. In the tenth month on the final day you must dress your children up in weird little skeleton costumes and send them out into the coldness of the night to collect candy; in this way you may hasten the demise of their overall health.
Thanksgiving. In the eleventh month you must retrieve the shrink-wrapped body of a turkey from the store shove a bunch of bread into it and then cook it. The turkey's head and feet must be severed and its feathers removed. The dry, cardboard-like texture of its hot corpse in your mouth is to inspire thankfulness in you. You are to observe this feast with as many relatives as you can fit into your house. It is to occur shortly after the election so that everyone feels on edge.
Christmas. A few weeks after Thanksgiving in the twelfth month, you are to hold a basically identical feast as Thanksgiving. For the Jew, you are instead to eat Chinese takeout while watching Die Hard.
New Year's Eve. At the turning of the year, you are to stay up until midnight and eat a lot of stuff, just kinda whatever, and drink a lot. You are to light off fireworks. It is like the winter version of the Fourth of July in a way. You are to abstain from work the following day because of your headache.
Fasts
This space intentionally left blank
The Power Grid
Command the people to construct a power grid, that lights may be burning continually. In this way you can keep working forever, even after the sun goes down.
Bread
You shall take the lowest quality wheat and grind it finely and remove its vitamins, minerals, protein, and fiber. You shall then mix it with high fructose corn syrup, salt, soybean oil, sodium stearoyl lactylate, calcium stearoyl lactylate, monoglycerides, mono-and diglycerides, distilled monoglycerides, calcium peroxide, calcium iodate, DATEM, ethoxylated mono-and diglycerides, enzymes, ascorbic acid, and calcium propionate (as a preservative). You shall bake this bread in a rectangular pan and place it in a plastic bag. This is a wonder.
Punishment for Assault
Now a certain man, a comedian by trade, went out among the people of America. And behold, the man was secretly assaulting women while touring, and his duplicity was discovered. Then they put him in custody till he should come to trial. And he was convicted, and he was sentenced, and went to prison. And speak to the people, saying, "Whoever does evil with a high hand shall himself bear the punishment of his misdeeds. The sojourner as well as the native: nobody is above the law."
An Eye for an Eye
Whoever takes a human life shall meet the swift sword of justice. Abuse, injury, infringement upon the rights of one's neighbor: whoever does thusly shall reap a just consequence. He who spray paints graffiti on a building shall do community service. He who drives under the influence shall receive the due penalty for his error: the removal of his license. If one should accidentally deface his neighbor's property, he shall make it right.
The Sabbath Year
Say unto the people, "Basically don't ever let the land rest. Just kinda keep tilling that soil, and pump chemical fertilizers onto it to make up for the lack of nutrients in the soil. And you shall spray pesticides and herbicides on the crop. This way you will provide food for the people each and every single year, and in so doing you may conveniently ignore the natural cycles of retreat and renewal that would otherwise come with lean years."
The Year of Jubilee
You shall count seven weeks of years, seven times seven years, or forty-nine years. In that year you shall appoint a planning committee, one which will prepare an anniversary celebration. And on the Fourth of July, you shall sound the trumpet throughout all your land. And you shall count how many fifties of years it has been since the nation's independence, and you shall rejoice with singing and parades and barbecues that you have liberty and freedom for all peoples in the land, save for those who do not have liberty or freedom.
And if any of you has a debt to another such as for the past payment of college tuition, you shall count up the number of months since you took out the debt and, with the interest rate, calculate how many years it will take to pay off the debt. This shall be called the term of the loan. And you shall pay that debt. You shall not ask for a debt to be forgiven, because that would be like super unbiblical and socialist and probably lead to anarchy or something.
Redemption of Property
If one among you has gumption, he may journey westward and stake a claim on a 40 acre parcel of land. And should he continuously occupy it and keep it for a year, he may go unto the governmental official and provide proof that he has thusly homesteaded and redeem this for a land title. And this shall definitely not be known as a "government handout." And should another attempt to usurp his claim to that land, he may raise up unto the usurper a shotgun and blow him away with the force of his argument. As it has been sung of old, "This land is your land," obviously meaning that you shall have an inviolable right to the land so named in the title and other people have to stay off of it.
If a man should wish to sell a dwelling house in a city, he shall go unto the realtor and enter into an agreement. The realtor will take glam shots of the dwelling and list it on the MLS and find prospective buyers. When a buyer has been found, they will perform the ritual of the house sale whereupon the buyer will hire an inspector to inspect the dwelling. If the inspector should find an issue, such as a seepage or leakage or creakage, the buyer shall request the seller to fix it. If the seller refuses, the buyer shall have the right to exit the buying agreement. But if the buyer and seller reach a mutually acceptable compromise, then they shall perform the ritual unto closing day. The buyer and seller shall enter the room of signing where they shall sign ten thousand papers. They shall not read these papers, but blindly trust that it's probably okay because millions of other people have done it. Then when all papers have been signed, the banks will perform the ritual of wire transfer wherein the ledger of one account decreases and the ledger of another increases. It is to be reminiscent of the act of handing cash from one individual to another, but without any physical cash.
Kindness for the Poor
If one among you becomes poor and cannot pay his bills, he shall move into the city where he can sleep in a cardboard box in an alley and beg for change from people who assume that he is lazy and probably a drunk. If you have change on you, you may place it in his cup, but if not you may offer advice for him to get a job or walk past as if he is not there. Remember that you once were in need of help and someone else helped you, so hopefully that someone else comes along and helps this guy, too. And you shall have neighborhood groups advocate for someone to do something about those people, as long as it's not in your backyard. And you shall criminalize such destitution so that you can give the police a legal reason to forcibly remove them from your city. And if the government would use some of its budget to help the people get off the street, you must get incensed because that is the job of non-profits, not the government, and that is after all your tax money going to help the one who is probably a lazy drunk.
The Rich Sojourner
If a stranger or sojourner with you becomes the richest man in the world, and your brother beside him becomes comparatively poor working multiple jobs and not earning a livable wage, this shall be known as late-stage capitalism. His brothers and neighbors may rescue him from a financially devastating event, along with his uncles and his cousins via a GoFundMe that he should share to social media. Then he shall go back to working his jobs and try harder to have fewer financially devastating events in the future. And he may go to request a job from the rich sojourner in his car factory, and he shall be told that such a car factory is in a different country and the job is performed by AI anyway, and isn't the future of AI so remarkably bright.
The Blessings of American Exceptionalism
If you work hard then the American Dream can be yours. The land will yield its increase and each man shall sit in the shade of his own fig tree by his own picket fence. You will work hard year round until you retire, and then you can live the dream of playing golf at the course next to your Florida retirement home. And you shall eat to excess and dwell securely because of your security system. One of you will have resources to match the ninety-nine, and your military shall have bases in ten thousand places, and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword. You shall have more stuff than you know what to do with, so you shall rent a storage unit where you can keep extra stuff.
And you may make a dwelling in another state and rent it out on Airbnb and live there on occasional holidays. Remember, you came here out of Europe, out of the house of poverty, so now it's time to live your moment. Seize the day.
Consequences
But if you do not do all these things as you have been instructed, then you will live out your days in panic and wasting disease and fever. And you shall hear a preacher on the television say that God helps those who help themselves, and so if things aren't going great for you then maybe it's some kind of unconfessed sin? Makes you think. Or else you will instead realize that it's because the party you hate is ruling over you, and in that day you must listen to a talk show host who can rile you up so that you become utterly convinced that this is all someone else's fault.
And in that day the supply chain shall be broken, and you shall go to the store to purchase toilet paper, and behold there is none. No bread, no prepackaged plastic bottles of water, no PlayStation 5 units. And you shall bite and devour one another in fury, laying waste to your cities and to the land. And some among you shall move to Canada, where everything is better and nothing is worse. And you shall elect unto yourselves a government that lays waste to your laws led by a president who governs like a monarch, and you shall not notice the irony. And those of you who are left shall rot away in your enemies' lands. And you shall nuke each other into oblivion, and the land shall be abandoned and enjoy its Sabbaths while it lies desolate for ten thousand years of fallout.
Laws About the Value of Persons
It shall be among you that the white male from twenty years old up to sixty years old shall be the most valuable. And if the person is a white female, she shall be half the value of a white male. And if the person is from a month old up to five years old, their value is almost kind of negative because it's very taxing and you shall be disinclined to bear any progeny whatsoever. But then your realize that you get a tax break for dependents, so that kind of brings them back up to value neutral. And if the person is sixty years old or over, then the valuation of the person is also pretty negative because retirement homes are very expensive. And if someone is poor among you, that person shall be sneered at as a freeloader or a welfare queen, and they are to be made to feel valueless due to their poverty. And if the person is Asian, they shall be pretty valuable but not as valuable as the whites. And if the person be Black or Hispanic, they shall be made to feel valueless except with regard to low-paying manual labor jobs, but you'll want to express this in a way that doesn't explicitly make it about race.
And if a man should want to offer some of his wealth toward philanthropic ends, he shall make a splashy announcement about it so that everybody knows how generous he is and also how wealthy. And he shall dedicate a portion of his wealth to a scholarship fund or a building project in his name, and he shall institute a committee for the disbursement of the funds. And once he has devoted this money, he cannot rescind it without losing face.
End
This shall be for you an American Leviticus, how life works for the people in the land.